Easier Said Than Done

The past few days have been really good. I'm finally getting used to everything on the ship and I'm getting really close with some crew members. I fall more and more in love with this organization everyday. I started to kind of forget why I was here a little bit though. The one problem being on this ship is you're kind of in a bubble away from the real world so it's easy to forget where you are and why. However, walk 20 feet away from the ship or go 2 decks down to the hospital and it's real easy to remind yourself.

Today started out amazing. Some crew members and I went to the market to go shopping and  get sodas. It was a relaxing day full of laughter and sweat, as usual. We got back to the ship and had burgers, fries, and baked beans for dinner (yay American food). I went down to visit my patient as usual. She and I have been getting really close. We are still very limited in conversation, but we just kind of get each other now if that makes sense. When we do talk, she tell me her stories some happy , but mostly sad. We laugh a lot, but mostly just hold hands and kinda stare at each other. She was having really bad stomach pains when I got to the ward.  As if watching a grown woman cry isn't sad enough, I asked the nurse about how she was doing besides the stomach pain.

The surgery didnt accomplish what it was supposed to. It was working then started failing miserably in the last 2 days. As the nurse shared with me, I was overwhelmed with sadness but then a wall of anger smacked me. I rarely get angry with God, but I just wanted to scream at Him. This women traveled for months mostly by foot to come to a ship she heard about once over the radio. She had never seen white people, never been in a car, left what was left of her family, all to follow this "faithful" God and this is what He does? How can He expect her to believe in Him after this? The worst part is she doesn't even know yet. She kind of has an idea, but she thinks its still just in the healing process. I just sat there and stared at the futbol game on TV trying my hardest to hold back tears.

Someone Facebook messaged me a few days ago and asked me how could God allow so much suffering in the world. This person found it hard to believe in a God that would allow such things to happen. This question was so easy for me to answer when I didn't have anything affecting me so personally, but now I find myself asking the same question this person did. This pain is real, it's tangible. It's hard to swallow. My faith is shaking but I trust God. Maybe a miracle will happen. God has a plan and loves us all so much no matter how hard that is to believe.  Even though I am filled with doubt and anger right now, I know the words I type are true. I don't know how I'm going to communicate this with my patient, but I pray she still sees His truth in this storm. I cannot begin to explain how important and amazing it would be if a prayer was said for my sweet friend.

“But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. He provides rain for the earth; he sends water on the countryside. The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety. He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success. For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. In famine he will deliver you from death, and in battle from the stroke of the sword. You will be protected from the lash of the tongue, and need not fear when destruction comes. (Job 5:8-12, 18, 20, 21 NIV)